Latest Tweets:

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haydenleah:

Not gonna lie, this made me laugh super freaking hard. #tumblr #hilarious #jesusjokes

haydenleah:

Not gonna lie, this made me laugh super freaking hard. #tumblr #hilarious #jesusjokes

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sorandomithurts:

Do it for the vine….. I ain’t gon’ do it! #jesusjokes #biblehumor

sorandomithurts:

Do it for the vine….. I ain’t gon’ do it! #jesusjokes #biblehumor

Baking Fail

accidentally made some unleavened breadsticks tonight so if anyone is in the mood for some body of christ, come on over, i’ve got plenty. #BYOBOC (bring your own blood of christ)

Everything I say, Jude argues. I did not know this started getting THIS bad at 3. Literally everything. Jude, finish your sandwich. “no i don’t want to” ok, then i’m going to pick it up and take it away “no, you don’t pick it up” then eat it “no i don’t” if you don’t stop arguing, i’m going to pop your butt “no you’re not” THIS IS STRAIGHT BULLSHIT. I mean he even tries to argue when i say “ok well wait a minute i need to poop first then we can go outside”, he’ll tell me “NOOOOO YOU DON’T NEED TO POOP” EXCUSE ME NO. you don’t dictate my bodily functions, you’ve gone too far now. This house is about to go on lockdown, for real. I’m going to have to start running this shit like a bootcamp, a penitentiary, and a North Korean school all rolled into one. Insubordination will not be tolerated. I mean I say some shit like “go put your pants on so we can go to the store” and it turns into some shit I need riot gear for. Why all the drama? I mean it drives me so crazy I am having to make up really clinically insane threats because i have already used all the regular ones a million times. i’ll find myself saying shit like: “JUST EAT YOUR SANDWICH AND PUT ON THE GOD DAMN PANTS OR I WILL BUY AN 18 WHEELER TRUCK FULL OF BEES AND RELEASE THEM ON YOU.” or “DON’T SIT ON THE DOG AGAIN OR I WILL MAKE PANTS WITH ROBOT HANDS ATTACHED TO THEM THAT PINCH YOUR BUTT EVERY TIME YOU TRY AND SIT ON HIM”

tastefullyoffensive:

Tiny Hamster Eats Tiny Burritos

OMG I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

(Source: sizvideos)

reasonsmysoniscrying:

Now I might be sorely mistaken, but this outbreak of fun could be the Magic School Bus’s most blistering adventure yet!

turning into scaly reptiles? sounds like that time i got lady jock itch.

reasonsmysoniscrying:

Now I might be sorely mistaken, but this outbreak of fun could be the Magic School Bus’s most blistering adventure yet!

turning into scaly reptiles? sounds like that time i got lady jock itch.

chronicdelight:

jbillz709:

The Selfie Hand Shake

I’m making this a thing

chronicdelight:

jbillz709:

The Selfie Hand Shake

I’m making this a thing

(via duloupgarou)

I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long so here’s a recent revelation that i hope you find funny.

i’m starting to actually pay attention to Luvs diaper commercials and the idea they are trying to sell me is that i will live and learn and get Luvs (i actually use that phrase in conversation now, so good job with that one!) by the time I have my 2nd child. that by the 2nd child, every mom becomes an expert, and sure, that is the message the narrator is sending but the message you get from actually paying attention to the scene shown in each commercial is similar to a sentiment you will hear from people with 3 or more children. That eventually you just kind of give a whole lot less of a shit about things that (probably) aren’t life threatening to your child. Which I didn’t really need a 2nd kid or a 3rd or 6th to get to that place, but i guess i am just gifted that way. Anyway, my point is that it’s hilarious to me that the commercials they shoot are better suited to a tagline like “Luvs: eh…fuck it, ya know?” or “Luvs: settle for less” or “Luvs: the last stop before you just use paper towels and duct tape” “Luvs: it’s like 3 bucks cheaper and that means you can have an extra margarita” i swear to god i could come up with these all day, Luvs. Call me.

yuuuuup

my life.