Latest Tweets:

tastefullyoffensive:

They were expecting someone elsa. [mauradoyle]

i’m sorry but…… LOL

tastefullyoffensive:

They were expecting someone elsa. [mauradoyle]

i’m sorry but…… LOL

tastefullyoffensive:

[endlesscreation]

my dog’s look when my 3 yr old son calls him is more akin to cowering, but i’m not sure how much this little girl puts this dog in a headlock

tastefullyoffensive:

[endlesscreation]

my dog’s look when my 3 yr old son calls him is more akin to cowering, but i’m not sure how much this little girl puts this dog in a headlock

My Day

Started off by not getting to sleep until after 5 am this morning due to a rapid onset raging yeast infection that required me to take 3 doses of codeine laced cough syrup and a dose of migraine medication with some kind of narcotic in it just to be able to get any sleep. I assume it is from the round of antibiotics I just finished to help cure my combination mini-flu and sinus infection. All that I know for sure is that it feels like my lady bits have a serious termite infestation. ANYWAY, I woke up at 10 AM (late, with only 45 mins left before I needed to be in the car with my son en route to his therapy sessions) to the simultaneous sounds of my phone’s alarm and a loud thudding/pounding noise against the wall that our room shares with my son’s room. When I entered, I found one of the most expansive messes (I won’t say “worst” mess, because this one, thankfully, did not involve poop, so I feel like it’s nowhere near the “worst” mess) that I have ever seen my son make. Lotion was all over at least 50% of his room and he himself was covered in a thick, gloopy layer of it. His hands and feet were pruney with it. Now, I’m no crime scene investigator nor am I a blood splatter analyst, but after my preliminary investigation of the mess, I feel confident in putting forth this theory. My professional opinion as a mother is that he unscrewed the cap to one of his lotion bottles and proceeded to launch said bottle onto the wall from a few feet back, gleefully watching as lotion dripped and splattered out over every surface within about a 6 foot by 8 foot radius. I believe there was also some shaking of the bottle and turning it over and dripping it, as well as a few places where he smeared it with his hands and feet. Having no time to both clean up this masterpiece of a mess (he had also taken out the entire contents of every drawer in his dresser and strewn them around the room, might I add.) I woke up my husband who sleeps in until around noon most days due to working a late night shift and being a video game addict, to request back up. We later decided to leave most of the mess for him to join in helping with the clean up efforts after his class was over which was only about an hour and a half long. Cut to late this afternoon when my dog, for the first time in MONTHS since he has been declared officially potty trained, pooped on the floor. Cut to tonight when we were trying to troubleshoot my macbook so my son and I could get my macbook’s camera working again so that we could Skype with my dad and my dog starts puking on the living room floor. As I rushed to clean up one pile, he found the need to make two more. Again, using my powers of deduction, I determined that he had gotten in to the trash and eaten half a container of slightly old queso dip. With that information in mind, I’m sure I have a bevy of fun and excitement to look forward to later on tonight, maybe well into the wee hours of the morning. Joy of joys. But I’m assuming that when you asked how my day was, you didn’t bargain for anything more than a “oh, fine, and yours?”. 

*4
haydenleah:

Not gonna lie, this made me laugh super freaking hard. #tumblr #hilarious #jesusjokes

haydenleah:

Not gonna lie, this made me laugh super freaking hard. #tumblr #hilarious #jesusjokes

*3
sorandomithurts:

Do it for the vine….. I ain’t gon’ do it! #jesusjokes #biblehumor

sorandomithurts:

Do it for the vine….. I ain’t gon’ do it! #jesusjokes #biblehumor

Baking Fail

accidentally made some unleavened breadsticks tonight so if anyone is in the mood for some body of christ, come on over, i’ve got plenty. #BYOBOC (bring your own blood of christ)

Everything I say, Jude argues. I did not know this started getting THIS bad at 3. Literally everything. Jude, finish your sandwich. “no i don’t want to” ok, then i’m going to pick it up and take it away “no, you don’t pick it up” then eat it “no i don’t” if you don’t stop arguing, i’m going to pop your butt “no you’re not” THIS IS STRAIGHT BULLSHIT. I mean he even tries to argue when i say “ok well wait a minute i need to poop first then we can go outside”, he’ll tell me “NOOOOO YOU DON’T NEED TO POOP” EXCUSE ME NO. you don’t dictate my bodily functions, you’ve gone too far now. This house is about to go on lockdown, for real. I’m going to have to start running this shit like a bootcamp, a penitentiary, and a North Korean school all rolled into one. Insubordination will not be tolerated. I mean I say some shit like “go put your pants on so we can go to the store” and it turns into some shit I need riot gear for. Why all the drama? I mean it drives me so crazy I am having to make up really clinically insane threats because i have already used all the regular ones a million times. i’ll find myself saying shit like: “JUST EAT YOUR SANDWICH AND PUT ON THE GOD DAMN PANTS OR I WILL BUY AN 18 WHEELER TRUCK FULL OF BEES AND RELEASE THEM ON YOU.” or “DON’T SIT ON THE DOG AGAIN OR I WILL MAKE PANTS WITH ROBOT HANDS ATTACHED TO THEM THAT PINCH YOUR BUTT EVERY TIME YOU TRY AND SIT ON HIM”

tastefullyoffensive:

Tiny Hamster Eats Tiny Burritos

OMG I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

(Source: sizvideos)

reasonsmysoniscrying:

Now I might be sorely mistaken, but this outbreak of fun could be the Magic School Bus’s most blistering adventure yet!

turning into scaly reptiles? sounds like that time i got lady jock itch.

reasonsmysoniscrying:

Now I might be sorely mistaken, but this outbreak of fun could be the Magic School Bus’s most blistering adventure yet!

turning into scaly reptiles? sounds like that time i got lady jock itch.